Frozen

Madonna's Frozen aptly describes how I felt over the past two months:

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

If I could melt your heart

Emotionally frozen, rationally focused.

Yes, that's the way to tread the path ahead. Waste no time lamenting on the past, concerning what other people think, say or do, for I have many people to prove wrong.

Friends in Transit

No one knows what I am thinking. I am no enigma; I am no hermit, yet I remain emotionally distanced from people.

The definition of friendship eludes me, perhaps those misplaced trust and the realities of life change the way we treat friends from time to time; like circumstantial relationships.

Friends can be treated as a commodity, just like how I was treated a few times. Before you know it, a price tag dictating your worth is slapped on your forehead; sold and never seen again.

I have always been ambivalent towards friendships. Should friends be subjected to the hierarchies of our society? Is an influential friend a BFF, while a poor friend is just a friend, or acquaintance even?

While on the crowded train home, passing one station after another, I wonder which friend will alight, and which stranger will come onboard to befriend me.

Arriving at my destination, I wonder when will I ever see them again?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

«火»

红毛派的这首歌不断地重复着，我在歌词中找到了解脱。

幻觉 直觉 错觉 开始相信痛觉
告别 暂别 决别 没差别
心结 纠结 完结 这迷惘该终结

太多背影在重叠
多走一步就与现实脱节

苏醒算不算复活
有氧气就有脉搏
有时狂热
有时候
俱灰的软弱
反而能够逃躲回忆的恶魔
从前冷暗的生活
是消磨还是琢磨
远处闪烁
是灾祸
重生或解脱
飞娥与凤凰的命运循环
来自火

他们说爱很冷漠
却长出沙漠花朵
卷入往事又松绑的我
绿洲就是你将我的手
紧握

最近有好多烦人的事：

事业，朋友和家人。

我又开始积极地运动，目的并不是为了保健而是逃避。烦恼就像逆风，随着飞奔，把它远远地抛到后头，感觉好爽，但这是暂时的逃避，顺风还是把现实给吹回来。我也尝试在游泳池里憋气，那种宁静，飘逸的感觉好虚幻，因为从水中浮现后，就是嘈杂，消沉的现实。

我好累，不是体力上的累，而是精神上的累。友人说我想太多了，懊恼的是想太多无聊，钻牛角尖的事。经历过不少挫折后，我还是傻呼呼地相信别人所说的话或做的决定，我不想质疑，因为我还坚信我的直觉，理性先搁在一旁。

我应该面对现实了，理性地应战，理性地决定我未来的路该怎么样走，直觉先搁在一旁。

Nostalgia - Home

It has been half a year ago, since I wrote something here.

Much has happened; I spent a wonderful time with my university mates in Melbourne and Sydney, successfully organized "I have designs on you" and have since graduated. Next week heralds the start of my working life; I will begin my copywriter internship with Paprika.

I have been in the reminiscing mood of late, perhaps it was the dreaded thought of working that set me back in time to appreciate the good old days.

Monday, I returned home; where over two decades of memories still lingers.

I alighted at the same old bus stop; one without a shelter, only a sturdy yet rusting pole, which marked the beginning of the trail back home. The winding steps with overgrown plants and littered foliage, led to the once bustling grocer, now empty and quiet; much of the shops have made way for the sake of novelty.

Stopped by Secret Recipe to grab a quick bite, while I was there, I mused at the tranquility and rustic charm of this neighborhood; despite going through multiple estate facelifts, demolition and reconstruction of the primary school I attended just opposite it, everything remained the way it was; ever so peaceful and laid back.

It had just rained, but that did not put the damper on the children at the playground, looking across the car park, I remembered grandma's wake being held there; a juxtaposition of the living and the departed, our mortality personified.

My pace slowed, as the balcony came into view; I could still vividly remember how the interior looked like; the corner where I would hide and cry after caning sessions, the room where countless tutors tried to talk some sense into me, the dining table where good food was always served.

Three years ago, I moved out. It did not feel that long, as I walked up the slope to the bus stop, where the trail ends; it felt like it was only yesterday, that I returned home.

Gray

Skies.

Daytime, a blanket of clouds shrouded the sun, cool breezes lullaby my mind to seek out my pillow, suddenly my work screamed for my attention, like an infant; I am back to reality.

Contempt.

I have endured looks and words from many people around me, that passes judgement upon me, I numb and ask myself, in what position were they in to decide what I did was right or wrong?

Choices.

Take a stand and always be prepared for its repercussions, there is no one decision that guarantees a favorable result, which is probably the reason why I still think so much.

Three months; fleeting.

I could not find the words to express how life has been for me since the new year, much has happened definitely, but I have learnt to take them in my stride. I am very much alive, just too committed to school; I chose this path myself and I am not regretting it, though I think I am soon becoming a robot; void of emotions, just slogging towards objectives.

Confiding in someone eases that much of an emotional distress I may have, but I would rather not expose my vulnerability to more people, so work shall be the new emotional anesthesia for me right now.

Fleeting

Time heals all wounds.

For all of the unjust you people have chosen to inflict upon me, I have chosen to not deepen those scars, rather, to let it slowly fade away from my sight.

Everything boils down to personal choices, and I must remind you people that; what comes around, goes around.

爱上一个天使的缺点
用一种魔鬼的语言
上帝在云端 只眨了一眨眼
最后眉一皱 头一点

爱上一个认真的消遣
用一朵花开的时间
你在我旁边 只打了个照面
五月的晴天 闪了电

有生之年 狭路相逢
终不能幸免
手心忽然长出 纠缠的曲线

懂事之前 情动以后
长不过一天
留不住 算不出 流年

遇见一场烟火的表演
用一场轮回 的时间
紫微星流过 来不及说再见
已经远离我 一光年

有生之年 狭路相逢
终不能幸免
手心忽然长出 纠缠的曲线

懂事之前 情动以后
长不过一天
留不住 算不出 流年

有生之年 狭路相逢
终不能幸免
手心忽然长出 纠缠的曲线

懂事之前 情动以后
长不过一天
哪一年 让一生 改变

Backseat

As we drive on the seemingly endless road, we pick up hitchhikers along the way, sharing the arduous task of safely navigating away from the elusive potholes. Sometimes, when we pass the steering wheel to someone else and take a backseat, to enjoy the passing landscapes, it is a relief and realization; that new perspectives open themselves up to us.

Being a backseat passenger does not mean zero contribution, for we can plot out the route ahead with a clearer mind, over a tunnel vision developed from a fixation of just getting to the destination.

It was a pity though, that it took me so long to realize this, causing unnecessary arguments. I hope that the rest realize this too, so that we can reach the destination together, in harmony.

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
And that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain
To the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
To believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
To believe in me again

Beckoning

Two months; school projects, late nights, dinner with friends and in recent memory, a good badminton session with my university mates.

December beckons; a month of birthday and festive celebrations, also a time to ruminate about how the past year went. I think this year, for a change, I should not look back at how my life has been, rather, I should look forward, to the challenging times ahead.

Recession beckons; I graduate into a recessive year, where unemployment figures skyrocket, the future looks bleak, but I must maintain a positive outlook, for a smile among a crowd of dull faces, represents a glimmer of hope.

Graduation beckons; planning for a graduation show is not easy, I never thought it was but it suddenly became so difficult. Fogged by uncertainties, without a guide, I became ambivalent about it all; negativity is starting to overwhelm me.

Seven months; to catch up on the good old times with friends, to be optimistic about the economy and, to get things right and moving.

Time is beckoning.

Carpe Diem

Knowingly, time waits for no man, yet very often, we set ourselves against the flow of time, as if we had control over how fast time would pass when we are at work, or how slow time would pass when we are enjoying ourselves.

Alas, reality is the complete opposite of what we have always wished for.

We are merely treading precariously on the thin line, time weaves along its eternal path, one step ahead, we lose our footing and fall into the abyss, one step behind, we retract into solitude and confine ourselves to our own world. The cruel grasp of time, can easily crush our fragile existence, I saw no point, in resisting a natural force at work.

Instead, we should seize the day; make full use of whatever opportunities that may come our way, for we do not know what the future brings. Living a life full of regrets, only makes us human, as we learn to move on from the regret of our decisions.

Carpe diem, I kept telling myself, as I saw dozens of opportunities slip me by.

Choices

We are responsible, for the choices we make.

We can choose to be the passive party during an argument, and hope for a better resolution, or be aggressive about it then aggravate the entire situation. We can choose to satisfy our craving of our favorite food, and ignore the health implications it may bring, or put our health above all else and forgo the temptation.

Those were merely simple choices we make, everyday of our lives.

Recently, the talk among friends, was centered around the dollar sign, maybe it was due to the rising inflation, which led us to discuss about being frugal, and earning big bucks. I realized then, that all the talk about dreams and passion, suddenly dwindled into oblivion, it got to me that inflation, was a real threat, not only to our wallets, but to our minds, as well.

Maybe, I lack the work and social experience, some of my friends already have, their reality check came much earlier than mine, I suppose in the context of a working adult, dreams and passion were secondary, earning enough to stay alive and to satisfy one's needs, was then primary.

I guess, we are all moving on to the adult phase, prematurely, the pursuit of material gains and happiness began in the prime of our lives, where we should instead, be pursuing our dreams and passion.

Of course, we are all entitled to our own rights to make choices in our lives, even though I may have little or no influence in the choice making process, I still hope, that no matter what choices we all may undertake, we will not live to regret it and eventually reap happiness out of it.



Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Peering into an Hourglass

One by one, they endeavor towards their own goals, and I saw the gaping void between us set in once again.

I am most certainly excited about heading back to school, especially after a nine months hiatus, but that would herald the beginning of a test; time. Fleeting beyond our control, it constantly eludes its challengers; to make full use of it, sometimes even go against it, I for one, am most guilty, of letting it seep through my fingers, for such a long span of time.

The scenario I deluded from, presented itself in front of me, once again, putting friendships through the test of time, I could not recall the past casualties and present survivors, or rather, I chose not to.

I told myself, to let go of friends who were swept away by sandstorms, for they will chance upon other casualties and befriend them, I gave them and myself the reciprocal; that the sandstorms will somehow, by the random chance, bring us back together again, then, we will cherish each other more than ever.

But now, I found myself stuck in the flowing sand, obstructing its downward flow, time seemed to pass slower than usual, with the others whisking me by; an odd sight leaving me bemused. I must push myself out of the quicksand, before it devours me completely, to catch up on lost time.

As I put down the hourglass, I realized that I lost myself in the wee hours of the morning.

Letting Go

I am glad, that the gathering turned out well, despite worrying about the inclement weather, among other things.

That, I realized, may be my last gathering with the mates, or with anyone else; the reality of our situation pits the priorities of everyone against one another. When I commence school next month, I know for sure I will focus on school assignments above all else, since I am cramming three semesters into one year, the others will continue to be busy with their projects and work, so by then, meeting up will almost be impossible.

Maybe, I should learn to let go of my friends, sometimes when we force ourselves to accept their shortcomings and excuses, it becomes too overwhelming and amplifies the flaws already found in that relationship. Not that we did not make the effort to understand each other better; maybe we really did, but now, I find it better to leave things as it is, preserve the wonderful memories we once had, and continue onwards with our individual lives.

I have had enough of being taken for granted, I believe the time is now, for me to depart on a more individualistic journey, where friends who truly make the effort to keep in contact, should be the ones I will want to meet up with and cherish close to my heart.

Diurnal

Earlier today, my navy mate talked to me over Windows Live Messenger; one of those question and answer conversation which did not last too long, he had asked me whether I was contacted by our beloved armed forces and I nonchalantly said to him a no. But now that I think about it, months ago I did receive phone calls whose numbers were not registered on my phone, and I was not bothered to pick up any of them, why?

Prior to that episode, I had a tough time persuading insurance agents to stop wasting their time and effort on me, some persistent ones could not stop pestering me for days. I figured that I should not be the target of businesses whose viral marketing campaign makes my ear bleed and victimized by suffering the wrath of random people through nuisance calls, which ultimately resulted in me leaving unknown callers to hang in the air.

It was not until recently, that I realized that some of those unknown callers were actually close friends who used their company phones to ring me up, I suppose i have sort of gotten over that episode by beginning to pick up those calls, but I am sure to be very rude towards people who will try to sell their services to me again and pranksters; I have since lost my patience and persuasiveness.

Just a while ago, a multimedia friend who took the faculty test with me for admission into the School of Art, Design and Media at Nanyang Technological University, told me that he got into the film making major. While I was happy for him, I did a simple subtraction and there goes one lesser seat to be taken up by the already small polytechnic cohort for the program, I am happy yet sad at the same time, indeed.

It has been raining inconsistently over the past few days, dampening my exercise regime for this week, praying for better weather in time to come, meanwhile, I have been contemplating over a gym membership; weatherproof and a more intensive regime! *rubs stubbled chin*

Nocturne

Met up with a friend; who used to be part of a three-man clique I called, the secondary school buddies, I guess the third man drifted further away to compete for first class honors, which he thought mattered more over maintaining this friendship, not that we did not ever meet up again, probably just once every few months.

So we walked around Holland Village a bit, surprised to find that the shops I used to patronize years ago while schooling in the vicinity there, survived till today. Not that I am questioning their ability to stay afloat in a shopping center where not much people visit, but seeing them stick around, recreated the imagery of the past and I somehow yearned to return to those days.

The grandma who sat by the pavement, ringing her slightly rusted bell while looking upon the crowd who walked past her, hoping that someone would stop to buy her caramel candy. I did, years ago, as a schoolboy, out of curiosity and probably sympathy, it tasted sweet as it should have been, but the aftertaste was bitter as it should not have been; peddling to sell caramel candy at her age to this very day. I know not her reason, but I could feel the hardship she had to endure over the years, and this aftertaste came back to me when I saw her again yesterday.

Strolled down the ever changing facades of shop houses only to find a full house Starbucks, headed to The Coffee Bean behind and settled down at the only free table, when I went over to the counter to order our drinks, my cinnamon ice blended unconsciously turned into caramel ice blended which I thought, had a direct relationship to my previous encounter with the caramel candy grandma, maybe it was a subconscious reminder for me to better spend my money on a simple caramel candy over an expensive cup of coffee.

My friend's agenda came to light when he flashed out his seemingly (coffee) stained script for his short film. He had previously asked me to read his script but did not want to take chances with my eyesight reading it in the car at night, so I finally got to read it yesterday.

While I shall not reveal the story of his rather high potential entry into international film festivals, as promised by him; after spending eight years writing and preparing for it despite strong objections from his family, I could sense his excitement as he scribbled down my input on his script. I am sincerely happy for you my friend, having found solace in your ambition after overcoming many tribulations.

As he scurried off to watch a movie in town; as he always does, I made my way home by bus, only to find emotions run high, as I passed by my primary school and old home. In recent memory, I met up with my primary school friends, a gathering which had me struggling to decide whether I should attend the next one. As the bus zipped by the once familiar junction, I caught a glimpse of the corner of the estate where my room was, then my mind was flooded with a torrent of memories, which left me on the brink of tears.

Pardon the long post if you have been reading rather short ones previously, I guess future posts will be equally, if not longer, since my inability to design anything has caused me much exasperation, to switch over to musing mode. Besides, after providing much helpful and insightful comments to my friend, then musing so much here over the last two days, I figured words will be the best way to express myself effectively, for the moment.

Let me end this post with a new find, even though the song was composed thirteen years ago, it still has its charm through its simple yet meaningful lyrics:

Nocturne by Secret Garden

Now let the day
Just slip away
So the dark night
May watch over you
Nocturne

Though darkness lay
It will give way
When the dark night
Delivers the day

(norweigian lyrics if you care)

La dagen få
sin hvile nå
og natten vil våke for den,
Nocturne.
Se mørket må
engang forgå
så natten kan føde en dag.

Change

Last time when I was in secondary school, I could run pretty well but score none in pull-ups, now it seems like the complete opposite; run like hell only to get a borderline pass for my Individual Physical Proficiency Test but score well for my pull-ups, I wonder what went wrong to my body over the years, or was it simply my mentality that dragged me down?

The last few weeks was pretty scary, my elbow and shoulder joints emanated cracking sounds when I did my usual pull-up routine, now that I think about it, I actually did fracture both my arms when I was a playful little boy; not simultaneously of course, but it would be funny to see both my arms in plaster cast at the same time, makes everyone wonder what I did to myself, haha. Then again, it happened almost two decades ago, I sure hope it has nothing to do with it since I will be continuing with my training regime.

My favorite subjects back then in lower secondary was the humanities; geography and history, then english became my forte in upper secondary, but one thing was for sure, I hated art with a passion. Now, I am amused by the things I do for a living; the arts and creative industry, ah how much my interests have changed over the years.

Dad used to tell me that my interests cannot keep me alive in a competitive society like Singapore, monetary affairs talk the talk in my family, secondary and mundane issues like personal interests usually find their way around the younger generation through pep talks to encourage people like me, to pursue it.

I am turning 23 next week, though much of my life have been underachieved as compared to the people I have met thus far, I am glad that I have been true to myself in pursuing my own interests, of course with the company and support of my family and close friends.

I cannot say for sure that I am the same person as I was when my friends first met me, especially those from the distant past such as my primary school friends, but I quote:

"Change is the only constant"

The people around me have changed, the environment around me have changed, I have changed; both mentally and physically, whether for the better or worse, you be the judge of my character.