renewed

i guess i've been hesitant of what i'm thinking and actually typing, probably thinking about too many things at once? indeed, many things are bothering me right now, be it from my family, friends or myself, but i believe i'm being self-centered, by indulging myself in self-pity, not caring about the people around me, what a great melancholic hypocrite i've become..

i just cannot bring myself to talk openly about how i'm feeling right now, what's bothering me and all, it's like an emotional turmoil stirring up inside me, leaving behind a trail of destruction, craved deep into my brain. i want people to know how i feel, yet when the opportunity came, i tossed it out of the window, just what the hell is wrong with me?

i realized how good life was, for me, and that how i didn't cherish the good things in life before, it's making me so sick that i wish i could stab myself hard in the chest, and let the blood flow down, into the sea of sorrows. drain me of the bad blood that fills me, for i do not want to continue leading a life, too good for a bad person i'm perpetually becoming.

i sowed the seeds of destruction at the back of my head, now it's maturing and taking root, reaping the eventuality of, retribution. i do not fear retribution on myself, only that should it affect the people i love and care for around me, i do not want them to suffer for something i've committed, that's just too unfair.

i yearn for a release from this state that's plaguing me right now, regaining my sobriety and integrity. death is not an option now; i do not want to disappoint people who had high hopes on me before, i want to gain their trust in me again, as someone with renewed blood, living on borrowed time..

tick..

tick..

tick..

time is running short.